I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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