the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
