Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
