Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
