Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
