cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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