I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
