I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you win again, gameday.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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