Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
