She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
tell me about the eggs
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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