I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize