HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
