4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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