hotel room ftw
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize