What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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