i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
