Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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