I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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