new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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