I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
