I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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