Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
