Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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