I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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