I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize