Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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