its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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