I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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