I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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