My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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