i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
