I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
this just has baby written all over it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
