i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
