my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize