How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
