Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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