And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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