he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
