I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
