i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
