I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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