I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
