u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dear god my vagina.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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