you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
