I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
