The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize