My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
