I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
