i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
