My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
