please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
