Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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