when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize