When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
