just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
