She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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