I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
