i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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