if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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