Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
