I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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