So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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