You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize