She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
