So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
